Received an intriguing fax this morning from the local community college/reality postponement center, announcing a new course that sounded too good to be true:
Instant Piano for Hopelessly Busy People
A beginning class in chord piano, where, in one session, students will learn all the chords needed to play any pop song, any style, any key. They'll also learn how to embellish songs using the secrets and magical shortcuts of professional piano players.
Aha! So that's how Billy Joel, Jamie Cullum and Stevie Wonder do it! They cut corners. It's got nowt to do with talent.
I'm looking forward to other courses in this series. Hell, they should launch an entire university system of such courses...
--Instant Terrorism for Hopelessly Peace-Loving Folk
--Instant Tantric Sex for the Hopelessly Impatient and Premature
--Instant German for People Whose English is Hopelessly Peppered With "Ya Know What I'm Sayin" At the End of Each Sentence
--Instant Optometry For People Who Get Really Bitchy If Anyone Even Comes Near Their Eyes, God Dammit! Quit!
--Instant Calculus For People Who Can't Calculate How Often To Feed The Parking Meter
--Instant Beethoven for Andrew W.K. Fans (hopelessly so)
--Instant Wine Tasting for the Franzia-Swilling Bourgeousie
--Instant Democracy for the Hopelessly Insurgent
--Instant Rapport With African-Americans For White Liberals Who, Were It Not For Dave Chappelle, The Three Black Guys in the Dave Matthews Band, and Boondocks, Would Feel Really Uncomfortable In the Presence Of Black Folks (I'm teaching that class)
--Instant Swerve for Hopeless Males Who Still Wear Polo
--Instant Life Management Skills For People Who Are Hopelessly One Crack Rock Away From an Overdose
--Instant Tact For Ann Coulter
--Instant Gay Culture For Rednecks (Metrosexual makeover included)
--Instant Knowledge of NASCAR and Soccer For Talk Radio Commentators
--Instant Class (and Fashion Sense) For Teen Starlets
--Instant Game For Gamers and Geeks
--Instant Sense of Humor For Hollywood Sitcom Writers (with all-Brit teachers and no ripoffs allowed)
--Instant Kick in the Ass For Slow Left-Lane Drivers
--Instant Anger Management Skills For Hip-Hop Artists
--Instant Understanding of Middle America For Residents of LA and Washington D.C.
Comments